One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Members writing in the style and using the characters of W.E.J. (Fan Fiction)

Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Foolscap » 16 Apr 2018, 15:32

Oh, goodness:-p
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby HostileCacti » 16 Apr 2018, 20:32

Kismet wrote:The chaos is superb. I bow before a Master of Mayhem. :pray:


Absolutely, this is utter chaos, looooovely!!! :aheart: :boing: :woohoo:
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby RAAF Spitfire Girl » 16 Apr 2018, 22:37

Kismet wrote:The chaos is superb. I bow before a Master of Mayhem. :pray:

And I join you in paying homage, Kismet :pray:
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 31 May 2018, 09:26

[Continuing this...apologies for the delay. Grading exams is the worst part of my job.]

Two women constables hurried forward to pacify Bertie and Ginger’s veiled nemesis and prevent her from seizing and hurling a heavy glass paperweight at them. They were slightly hampered, rather than aided by the ineffectual efforts of the menfolk accompanying the woman. Eventually, under the jaundiced eye of the Station House Officer, two females –evidently relatives of the woman –were summoned in from the verandah to calm her down.

Watching all this with a faint smile and benign countenance was a dapper little bearded gentleman clad in the traditional frock-coat style sherwani and tight trousers, with round gold-rimmed glasses perched somewhat precariously on his aquiline nose. As the combined cohort of women escorted their now hyperventilating compatriot out onto the verandah for a dash of fresh air and cold water, this gentleman turned to Bertie with a mildly self-deprecating air.

“You will forgive me, sir, if I appear rude, but you do not look much like a house-breaker to me.”

“By Jove, I should rather think not!” responded Bertie warmly.

“Then why does my Umrao Apa (older sister) accuse you like this? We came with her to register a police report about two foreigners who were trying to break into their house and ran away.”

“My dear sir, we weren’t doing anything of the sort! We’re innocent, absolutely!” exclaimed Bertie horrified.

A dry clearing of a throat indicated the intervention of the SHO. In accented but fair English he queried, “Then why did you run away?”
Last edited by Indian Civil Service on 31 May 2018, 09:52, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 31 May 2018, 09:27

“Because of the axe,” explained Bertie.

“Axe?” the SHO’s deputy succumbed to his curiosity and braved a glare from his superior.

“The thin lady who was in here just now had an axe, you see.”

The SHO’s deputy frowned in perplexity. “No sir, she did not.”

“Yes, she did,” butted in Ginger heatedly.

“She did not.” The deputy was firm in his defense of the Innocent Female.

“Yes, she did! I tell you she did!” bleated Ginger exasperatedly.

How long this evidently insolvable argument would have continued is uncertain, had not the SHO, clearly a man of few words, asserted himself again. “What axe?”
Last edited by Indian Civil Service on 31 May 2018, 09:54, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 31 May 2018, 09:29

“She had this huge big axe,” Ginger stuck to his guns.

The deputy conspicuously sniffed the air in Ginger’s direction, considered the matter settled by evidence and uttered one word, soft but clearly audible, to his commandant, “Drunk.”

The SHO nodded gloomily and returned his attention to Bertie.

“Why were you trying to climb the wall outside Syed Hafiz’s house?”

“Eh? How fizz?” Bertie was momentarily taken off-guard by a beer-tainted whiff from Ginger’s direction.

“Haa-fiz,” the SHO was ominously patient. “It is this gentleman’s name.” He indicated a slightly built, sherwani-clad person unhappily perched on the edge of a hard chair next to the desk beside his dapper companion. “You were climbing the outer wall of his house when the lady Umrao Bibi, his sister, caught you.”

Bertie sought to clear things up. “Oh no, dear chap! We weren’t climbing the wall! We were trying to reach that ventilator grille in the wall.”
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 31 May 2018, 09:31

“Why?” the SHO’s deputy returned to the attack. “You were trying to find a way through the grille to enter the courtyard, were you not?”

“No, no,” soothed Bertie, “my friend was helping me to reach my sunglasses.”

“Sunglasses?” the deputy was slightly thrown by this new track of Bertie’s thought.

“Absolutely!”

“Why would your sunglasses be on their ventilator grille?” demanded the deputy with fine scorn. “Who keeps their sunglasses in such a place! Hah!” he added as a snigger ran round the room.

“The monkeys put them there,” explained Bertie as Ginger hunched an exasperated shoulder.

“Monkeys?” demanded the deputy, enraged. “You call these people monkeys and accuse them of keeping your sunglasses? Sir! You will please mind your language and not call names!”

As Bertie tried to protest his innocence against a rising counterpoint of accusations, the SHO sought inspiration in the ceiling fan.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Spitfire666 » 31 May 2018, 10:00

Indian Civil Service wrote:“Why?” the SHO’s deputy returned to the attack. “You were trying to find a way through the grille to enter the courtyard, were you not?”

“No, no,” soothed Bertie, “my friend was helping me to reach my sunglasses.”

“Sunglasses?” the deputy was slightly thrown by this new track of Bertie’s thought.

“Absolutely!”

“Why would your sunglasses be on their ventilator grille?” demanded the deputy with fine scorn. “Who keeps their sunglasses in such a place! Hah!” he added as a snigger ran round the room.

“The monkeys put them there,” explained Bertie as Ginger hunched an exasperated shoulder.

“Monkeys?” demanded the deputy, enraged. “You call these people monkeys and accuse them of keeping your sunglasses? Sir! You will please mind your language and not call names!”

As Bertie tried to protest his innocence against a rising counterpoint of accusations, the SHO sought inspiration in the ceiling fan.

:imao:
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 31 May 2018, 10:07

:crazy:
Next lot coming up...stay tuned.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Fairblue » 31 May 2018, 10:23

Indian Civil Service wrote:“Why?” the SHO’s deputy returned to the attack. “You were trying to find a way through the grille to enter the courtyard, were you not?”

“No, no,” soothed Bertie, “my friend was helping me to reach my sunglasses.”

“Sunglasses?” the deputy was slightly thrown by this new track of Bertie’s thought.

“Absolutely!”

“Why would your sunglasses be on their ventilator grille?” demanded the deputy with fine scorn. “Who keeps their sunglasses in such a place! Hah!” he added as a snigger ran round the room.

“The monkeys put them there,” explained Bertie as Ginger hunched an exasperated shoulder.

“Monkeys?” demanded the deputy, enraged. “You call these people monkeys and accuse them of keeping your sunglasses? Sir! You will please mind your language and not call names!”

As Bertie tried to protest his innocence against a rising counterpoint of accusations, the SHO sought inspiration in the ceiling fan.


My poor Bertie. :love: completely misunderstood. :(

Thank you for this, ICS. Loving every minute of this,but I do hope Bertie (and Ginger, I suppose) can be extricated from their predicament soon.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Kismet » 31 May 2018, 10:36

So many wonderful, wonderful moments! I love this. Please, please have a nice long break from marking and give me more.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby kylie_koyote » 31 May 2018, 11:34

This is hilarious! More please.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby StoneRoad » 31 May 2018, 13:28

Oh dear !
Poor Bertie and Ginger ...

more please, this is great fun. :D :lol:
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 01 Jun 2018, 09:59

[Continuing...thank you all for reading and commenting]

Three hours later, the matter was still under discussion and the stories had been told, analyzed, scoffed at, dismissed and reiterated multiple times over. It wasn’t only the SHO now seeking inspiration from the ceiling fan. Ginger too was regarding the ceiling morosely, leaning back in his chair set against the wall at a prudent distance from everybody else with a granite-faced constable standing by who stiffened to attention every time the argument became too heated. When this happened, one or both the patriarchs and their supportive spouses would raise their eyes to the ceiling and call upon Providence and their respective Supreme Beings to bear witness and descend to earth to resolve the issue of Honor.

Occasionally the stalwart youths, balked of their prey would break into chants of ululating slogans to the accompaniment of clapping, foot-thumping and cheering. Inspired by this, someone produced a small dholak (two-sided drum) to contribute some rhythm, more noise and a mildly festive air to the proceedings. Neither Bertie nor the SHO were impressed by this. The SHO maintained a gloomy non-committal face as he listened to the recitation of events one more time.

Bertie wondered uneasily what Biggles would say, and worse, what Air Commodore Raymond would say if he got to hear of it, as he most certainly would if the High Commission was called in to mediate. Like the SHO, in his heart he was uncomfortably aware of how easily the situation could descend into communal conflict and chaos. Ginger was simply uncomfortable.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 01 Jun 2018, 10:03

Outside the numbers of honest citizens seeking justice had grown, the men crowding the courtyard while the women made themselves comfortable on the verandah with makeshift curtains shielding them from the rays of the setting sun. Some thoughtful people procured straw-plaited hand-fans and earthen pitchers of cool water to help dispel the effects of the pre-twilight heat.

After being shooed away from the main entrance to the SHO’s office several times, the more agile members of the community organized themselves into a news-dispensing grapevine by attaching themselves at precarious angles to the bars of the windows left open for ventilation, and performed a useful function of faithfully relaying every word that was uttered inside.

Inside, Ginger’s gaze strayed from time to time to the back wall where, next to the filing cabinet and desk of the SHO’s deputy, the two girls whose names it transpired were Deepti and Ameena and who were the unwitting center of most of the trouble, sat conferring quietly together, a couple of male cousins in attendance. Their diminutive guard Dipu having been deposed from the position of interpreter stood near the desk ready to pounce on Opportunity, should it arise. He had also made it his self-appointed business to pull faces at Ginger every time he intercepted the red-haired phirangi’s evil gaze upon his sister and her friend.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 01 Jun 2018, 10:08

As the shadows lengthened and the babble of the rabble-rousers outside rose in volume, the dapper bearded-and-bespectacled gentleman, Mirza Murtaza, who had appropriated the role of interpreter and who had been the first to speak to Bertie, had been listening patiently to the dual patriarchal tirade. Now he turned to the SHO with a wry look clearly calling that melancholy individual to action. A short, low-voiced exchange between the two men followed. Then the SHO sat up in his chair and turned to Bertie.

“You say you are a policeman from London –right?”

“Right!” agreed Bertie.

“And you are a Laat-Saheb—lord?”

“Absolutely, oh yes! Awful bore and all that, but there it is.”

“And your identification papers are at Maidens Hotel with your boss?”

“Our chief, yes,” agreed Bertie, adding “He’ll be wondering where we are, so if you’d just let me use that telephone I see by your elbow…?”

“No worry, I will make the call and speak to your chief,” announced the SHO.

Outside the relaying of this information by the grapevine put fresh heart into the wilting denizens awaiting justice. Aaaah! Action at last!
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 01 Jun 2018, 10:11

The SHO pulled forward a writing pad and picked up a pen.

“Your full names and ranks, please,” he requested. Bertie supplied the information.

‘The name of your chief, please?” was the SHO’s next question as he wrote it down.

“Bigglesworth,” responded Bertie, adding chattily, “Bit of a mouthful and all that, but he can’t help it, it was his dad’s name too, if you see what I mean.”

In his chattiness he missed the sudden freezing of the SHO’s hand as he stopped writing, his pen suspended briefly in the air, and the quick lowering of the man’s head as though to conceal a sudden gleam in his dark eyes.

“The full name of your chief, please?” the SHO asked smoothly.

“James C. Bigglesworth, the C stands for—“ began Bertie, to be cut short by the SHO’s curt dismissal.

“It does not matter; this much is enough.”

The SHO turned to his deputy, “Sunil, kindly put the call through to the General Manager of Maidens Hotel at once.”

Bertie and Ginger’s eyes met silently across a beer-tainted divide. What WAS Biggles going to say when he heard their whole story?
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Kismet » 01 Jun 2018, 11:48

'The C stands for... '. Very deft, ICS. Does the SHO know Biggles? This is superlative.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby kylie_koyote » 01 Jun 2018, 12:07

Oh, marvelous! I love the local flavor you've inserted and I, too, and eager to hear what Biggles will say...
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Fairblue » 01 Jun 2018, 14:39

kylie_koyote wrote:Oh, marvelous! I love the local flavor you've inserted and I, too, and eager to hear what Biggles will say...

Me too. Wonderful. Keep it coming.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Foolscap » 03 Jun 2018, 20:04

Thoroughly enjoying catching up:-)
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 05 Jun 2018, 07:49

Biggles could think of plenty to say, if only he could find suitably diplomatic language to couch it in. He had listened to Bertie’s narration in relative silence, inserting a pertinent question only when the narrative seemed in danger of wandering too far off the main track. The sounds of suppressed sputters emanating from Algy and Sunil, the SHO’s deputy did nothing to help. Biggles did his best to ignore them.

“…So you see, old boy,” Bertie finally brought the story to a close. “That’s the whole truth of it. We weren’t doing any harm to anybody and you can see it wasn’t our fault we got tangled up with…er…in…”

“Only about thirty yards of cummerbund and ladies scarf,” supplied Algy helpfully. The female contingent on the verandah, hearing this duly translated by the grapevine, dissolved into a bevy of coy giggles.

Biggles ignored Algy and focused on Mirza Murtaza and the SHO, who he had summed up as being possibly the sanest, balanced and most responsible persons in the room.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Foolscap » 05 Jun 2018, 07:57

Wishing Biggles the best of luck in sorting this all out.
Very well penned:-)
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 05 Jun 2018, 08:10

“Surely now, “said Biggles, addressing these two diverse individuals, “surely, you can convince your friends and neighbors that it was all a misunderstanding. My friends meant them no harm and they are not drunk.”

The SHO doodled gloomily on his notepad. The Mirza sighed deeply and responded.

“We can see that, but can everybody else too? I assure you, if this had happened with anybody except these ladies, everyone would see the funny side and be most amused. But where women of the family are concerned…” he shrugged.

“You know India, you should realize how sensitive this can be,” interposed the SHO.

From outside came a high-pitched female-voiced interruption. Bertie and Ginger’s veiled nemesis was not going to abandon her quest for revenge so easily.

“She is calling them liars,” translated the Mirza in an embarrassed tone, adding conspiratorially, “she says they were after something MORE than sunglasses."

“Oh, I say!” Bertie was stung to the quick by the covert insinuation, “she’s old enough to be one of my aunts!”

Ginger scowled but, catching Biggles’ eye, decided to remain silent.

“She says the sunglasses are just an excuse, “ pursued the Mirza, faithfully relaying another high-pitched accusation from the verandah.

“That can soon be settled, “decided the SHO. “Sunil, send a man along with some of the boys outside to see what they can find. Look specially for sunglasses.”
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 05 Jun 2018, 08:13

Gleefully, a small troop of stalwart youths and urchins set off under the watchful eye of another granite-faced constable.

Their egress was accompanied by another shrill series of remarks from the veiled nemesis.

Stung by the tone of her remarks, Biggles threw caution to the winds and called out sharply in a good mix of Hindi and Urdu, “Aap kripa kar ke khamosh rahiye!” (You kindly keep quiet!)

The silencing effect of this was electric. Not only the veiled nemesis but the entire female segment were hushed as their menfolk gazed upon Biggles with a measure of approval. The local-born phirangi had achieved an outcome muchly desired in their everyday lives.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 05 Jun 2018, 10:05

The short wait that ensued was filled in by desultory introductions between the aggrieved parties, who nodded mechanically at each other. The virtues of the two girls Deepti and Ameena were extolled by their fathers, Thakur Dewan Singh and Syed Ghulam Ali respectively. Both girls, it transpired, were the first women of their families to attend college. Both planned to complete their graduation and take up teaching.

The small boy Dipu passed the time practicing more faces to pull at the sorely-tried Ginger, who was hard put not to pull one back at him. Only the presence of Biggles, and the resolve to not exacerbate the situation for the two girls acted as a deterrent on Ginger. Bertie polished his monocle reflectively. Algy joined the SHO in admiring the ceiling fan. The SHO's deputy Sunil and his assistant busied themselves with completing the paperwork on the case and organizing refreshments.

As the paternal paeans were punctuated by small sobs from the girls’ mothers, an uncomfortable silence fell. It was relieved by the appearance of small glasses of hot, sweet tea flavored with spices that Biggles declared was just the thing to take the edge off the heat. Algy, Bertie and Ginger, initially skeptical, took cautious sips and realized there was some veracity in what he said.

Finally, about half an hour later, the foraging troops returned with the granite-faced constable at their head. Swaggering up the steps and side-stepping eager questions called out by the crowdies, they entered the SHO’s office in a body and ranged themselves respectfully in front of the desk.

“Well?” queried that worthy personage.

He was duly backed up by a hissed “Ask them did they find anything?” from Mirza Murtaza sotto voce.

“Yes, yes,” said the SHO testily, and put the question to the troops, “So, did you find anything to support the statements of the phirangis?”

The grapevine froze into various contortions of balance. Outside and inside, everyone present leaned forward to hear the answer.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Kismet » 05 Jun 2018, 10:58

Ooooh, this is lovely. A nice cup of chai to refresh everyone!
'Major Bigglesworth' said Von Stalhein coldly, 'there are times when I seriously wonder if you were created by the devil just to annoy me.'
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby kylie_koyote » 05 Jun 2018, 11:14

Fantastic. Absolutely marvelous.
"For goodness sake stop that Yankee drawl, or you'll have us all doing it before you've finished."
"OK baby - sorry - I mean, righto."
"That's better."
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 14 Jun 2018, 10:08

[Continuing...]

The granite-faced constable waved a deprecatory hand at his youthful companions. “Show!” he commanded.

Grinning, a stalwart youth stepped forward and placed respectfully on the SHO’s desk the purloined water-bottle, looking decidedly worse for wear with its strap partly chewed and a couple of dents adorning its sturdy exterior. Several scratches bore mute testimony to its recent adventures but did nothing to improve its appearance.

“Oh!” exclaimed Bertie delightedly, “You managed to get it off that tree, then!”

“Yes,” agreed the constable without enthusiasm,” it was hanging on the branch of the tree that comes over the wall of Syed Saheb’s house.” He gestured to one of his accompanying urchins who was hopping from one foot to another in suppressed excitement. “Come on, Little Raju!”

Little Raju skipped forward and with a flourish laid Bertie’s sunglasses on the desk beside the water-bottle. Beaming, he gave the listening audience dramatic account in broad Hindi of how he had climbed up to the highest branch of the tree, slithered along it like a snake and at great personal peril rescued the Laat-saheb’s sunglasses from the sill of the ventilator grille, then jumped straight down into the welcoming arms of the strong constable.
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Re: One Last Scene from "Goes Home"

Postby Indian Civil Service » 14 Jun 2018, 10:10

“Hardly welcoming,” grunted that individual. “The little rascal climbed up like a monkey all right and got the sunglasses. But then he tells us he’s scared of the height and too afraid to climb down. So we had no choice but to make him jump down and I had to catch him.” The man rubbed his shoulder ruefully, “He landed on me like a rock wrapped up in a bundle of laundry.”

The sympathetic and congratulatory demeanor of his audience was tainted by surreptitious titters. Ginger, glancing at Biggles, was surprise to see one of Biggles’ rare smiles spread unwillingly over his face.

“Well, you did a good job recovering both items,” comforted the SHO stoically. “Sunil will give you some Iodex to apply on your shoulder, and you will be fine in no time.”

“I was rather thinking I might take tomorrow off, sir, to rest my shoulder,” began the constable tentatively, then catching his superior’s unsympathetic eye, he changed it to “All in the line of duty, sir!” He saluted and fell silent.

The acrophobic urchin poked the stalwart youth and hissed “Tell them!” in audible Hindi.
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